Putting The Past Away
by Ashika
Summary: I had always considered myself his best friend. Even when he seemed to hate me. So if I know him so well...can I save him from himself?


Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. Never have and probably never will. 

AN: Thanks to Angelight for being the greatest editor around. ;) Besides, who else puts up with my obnoxious attitude?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

*~*~*~*~*  
**_I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend.  
You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in.  
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand._**  
*~*~*~*~*

I had always considered myself his best friend. He wasn't always the most sociable one, but I always worked hard to keep him sane. I guess I just couldn't ever see the right signs when they needed to be seen.

Like the time he tried to commit suicide by blowing up his Gundam. I know I couldn't have done anything, but it still kicks me in the gut and I wish I could've been there for him. Whether he would have accepted the sympathy is another story.

I liked to hide my fears and insecurities behind a nice big wall of comedy. Laughing makes people happy, so that's what I do. If it's at the expense of the amount of respect people have for me, who really cares? I'll die in the end. It's inevitable. It was in the contract I signed before I was ever born.

That doesn't mean I was about to let good old Hiiro die on me. No way, not after all that effort I put into him. I thought he was almost starting to be normal, well as normal as a Gundam pilot can get, before THIS happened.

"Hiiro...buddy! Get off of the railing! I know you think you're Superman, but I don't think your luck will stand a fall this far," I joked. Even when he was in mortal danger I couldn't let down the wall. Well, as they say...old habits die hard. And besides, nobody expects me to be anything but Duo-baka.

"Hnn...Go away Duo. I don't think you understand how well I've thought this through. Just go away."

*~*~*~*~*  
**_The angry boy, a bit too insane,  
Icing over a secret pain,  
You know you don't belong._**  
*~*~*~*~*

I sighed. I suppose I didn't know how well he had thought things through. In fact, I had thought he was doing really well. I thought he was becoming human. I guess I needed to pay more attention. Sometimes my foolishness gets the best of me. I do try though.

Hiiro had always been really distant from the rest of us. I assume you know about my attempts to get him to join the group. I can't really say he wasn't part of the group, though. In fact...I would have to say that he was the LEADER of the group. Unintentionally, of course. He's just like that. He takes command without anybody meaning for him to. Not that he wants to be a leader. He was his own worst critic and if the world were up to him, he'd be dead a million times over without anybody having known him.

Now that I see him here, I don't think I can do anything for him. He's just so far gone...I don't know if I'm even the one to help him. I'm don't think I'm the type to help him. Or at least I don't think so. I think it's rather obvious how far MY efforts have gotten us: His standing on a ledge and my trying to stop him.

*~*~*~*~*  
**_You're the first to fight, You're way too loud,  
You're the flash of light, On a burial shroud,  
I know something's wrong._**  
*~*~*~*~*

Now that I think of it...Hiiro had been rather withdrawn lately. I guess I just assumed that he was becoming an average human being. His being a virtual hermit does make it hard to figure out what he's thinking and what I need to say to get him back to that guy with emotions I know is in there.

DAMNIT, I should have seen the signs. I was too preoccupied with congratulating myself on how far I had gotten him. Too late now.

"Hey Hiiro! Come on! Get off!" Pathetic attempts to get him to come down. They probably wouldn't work, but here I was. I might as well give it a shot. Who knows anymore? But hey...they say you fail 100% of the shots you don't take.

"Duo, just go away. I know what I'm doing. My life isn't worth anything anymore. I'll never be human like you want me to be. And don't give me that face. I know you've been trying hard. I just can't. I appreciate it Duo, but I can't. I'm not like you. Just go away."

*~*~*~*~*  
**_Well everyone I know has got a reason,  
To say, put the past away._**  
*~*~*~*~*

My eyes narrowed in anger. Well what the heck was that supposed to mean? Does he think that the rest of us didn't go through a lot of the same stuff he did? Well we did! We tried REAL stinking hard. Sure, we didn't have psychotic doctors that had us training since we were 4, 5, or whatever age he started. Sure, we didn't have Relena Peacecraft hanging off of our every word. Sure, we weren't told that if we fail a mission we had to die.

But we were put through stuff just as hard. 

My family was butchered before my eyes. 

Trowa doesn't even know his real name. 

Quatre lost everything he had to the war. He should be a pacifist for Shinigami's sake! 

And Wufei, he's had it hard too. I know I teased him a lot. It's funny to see him get red. Funny to get him so royally mad at me that he threatened to cut off my braid. But he's had it hard his whole life. He used to be a scholar, and had a wife. She died...when he was FIFTEEN. And then his colony basically committed suicide, which he swore to avenge. 

Hiiro doesn't have the right to say he couldn't be human like US. My hands clenched. 

For the love of Shinigami! We didn't try to become like this. We just learned to get through our lives right. We learned how to cope with killing thousands of people, whether they were murderers or innocent. 

We all got dealt crappy cards. But we pulled through and won the hand. Hiiro's folding. He's going to give up. Just like the person we thought he wasn't. 

*~*~*~*~*  
**_Well he's on the table, And he's gone to code,  
And I do not think anyone knows,  
What they are doing here._**  
*~*~*~*~*

I don't think anyone knows what they're doing on this planet. Or if they happen to live on a colony...I don't think they know why they're there. Oh, I'm sure they believe they do. But I don't think that they truly understand. No one, not even me. We aren't meant to understand. We just go through our lives with that contract always hanging over us. We pretend it's not there, and we wait. We hope that we get through everything ok and do it all again. Our ultimate test is not giving up. 

"Hiiro! Get the fuck off that God damned ledge! You don't need to do this! You know you don't. Hiiro...buddy. You know you weren't meant for this. You know you are supposed to become great. Who else can pull off what you've done? You gotta come down!" Another shot. I'm guessing another fail too. My statistics are starting to look REALLY poor here. 

"DUO! I said to get the fuck away! Now GO! You're not going to convince me otherwise! The ten minute rule isn't in appliance yet! NOW GO! I tried to let you get out of here without me yelling at you. This is one time too far! Get the fuck away from me!" 

*~*~*~*~*  
**_And your friends have left, You've been dismissed,  
I never thought it would come to this.  
_** *~*~*~*~*

My eyes widened. I couldn't believe it. After everything I had tried to do for him he still rejects me. Well then good, I hope he's happy. I'll leave. I don't know why I tried so hard. I guess I thought our friendship counted for something. Maybe I thought that I could save him. I suppose I was wrong. A chuckle started to bubble up. 

What the heck was I thinking? I can't change anybody. Just like they'd have a hard time trying to change me. I was a fool to try. The chuckle turned into a full-blown laugh. 

Hiiro looked very surprised, but you know what? I just didn't care anymore. He could do whatever he wanted to with his life. Wouldn't affect me one bit. I never thought it would end up like this, but then...I never expected a lot of things to happen. Least of all my ending up in a Gundam. 

*~*~*~*~*  
**_And I, I want you to know,   
Everyone's got to face down the demons._**  
*~*~*~*~*

"You know what, Hiiro? You really want to know what I think? Well I don't care if you want to hear it or not. You're going to hear it anyway," I raised my voice to make sure he could hear me. 

"I think you're a big coward. Everyone thinks you're a big hero and all. Goes with the pronunciation of the name." I had to chuckle at that one. As I said, old habits die hard. 

"But you're not. You just run away from all of your problems. Like every mission you failed. Now, I can count the number of missions you've failed on one hand. But I can count the EXACT same number of times you've tried to commit suicide! Every time you fail a mission you attempt suicide! Do you really think that killing yourself will solve anything? It won't. The people and life you'd leave behind are going to be marked by your presence forever. We won't forget you. Not like you want us to." Now maybe I was taking it too far. I didn't care though. I really didn't. 

"You've done too much. You've left too many people behind. I hope you understand that. I hope you really understand that you aren't really going away by dying. I really hope you do." It was enough. I sighed and started to walk away. 

*~*~*~*~*  
**_Maybe today,  
We can put the past away.  
_** *~*~*~*~*

"Duo. Don't go. Don't leave me alone," a strangled voice made its way to me. I stopped and turned around. Maybe I had been right. Maybe I could get through to him. 

"Duo, I know I haven't been the friend you guys want. I know I haven't been the friend you guys need. But I tried. I really did. I didn't think it was working. If I can't get through to you guys, who's going to hear me? You guys would understand me the best. Nobody else can. But you guys couldn't hear me. What could I do?" 

I must say I was shocked. Real feelings coming from The Perfect Soldier? It was just too good to be true! Way too good. What was the catch? 

Maybe I was being too suspicious. But maybe...we can finally put the past away. 

*~*~*~*~*  
**_I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,  
I would understand...   
_** *~*~*~*~*

He really did it. He really got off of that ledge. He heard me. 

Should I be surprised? 

No. 

Am I surprised? 

Of course. 

Who would've thought that Duo-baka could convince Hiiro that his life was worth living? 

Not me. 

I honestly couldn't believe it. I couldn't possibly have saved him. He should be at the bottom of the pit. I walked over to the ledge and looked down, ignoring Hiiro looking VERY strangly at me. I had already decided that the Hiiro staring at me was a ghost. I mean, I couldn't possibly have saved him, being Duo-baka and all... 

Whoa...long way down. It made me dizzy. A firm hand pulled me back, and I tumbled to the ground. 

"Hnn...don't you go down now. Not after all that hard work keeping me from being a pancake. Let's get going." 

"Sure buddy, sure." I sat back, a little dazed. 

Was this really Hiiro? 

Hiiro wasn't at the bottom of the pit? 

Nope. He was right here. I took his offered hand and pulled myself back up. A smile graced my face as we walked back to Quatre's place. 

Now things can get back to the way the always were. Hiiro being quiet, Trowa being...Trowa, Quatre breaking up fights, and Wufei chasing after me with his extra-sharp katana. The katana made especially for cutting off Duo-braids... 

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

The end. 

AN: Thanks very much for taking the time to read this. I really really appreciate it! Mmm...oh and review! Please! Critiscm is good too. And flames, I guess... 

And if you really want to email me...the place to send it to is: ratty210@hotmail.com 


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